雅思作文批改还有一个月就考试了,想知道自己作文中存在的问题,最好打个分Thereisnotenoughrespectforelderlypeople.whatarethecausesandwhatisyoursolution?Increasingdomesticviolencereportsaboutseniorswho

Question

雅思作文批改 还有一个月就考试了,想知道自己作文中存在的问题,最好打个分
There is not enough respect for elderly people .what are the causes and what is your solution?
Increasing domestic violence reports about seniors who are abused reflect that traditional virtue of respecting the elderly people is gradually eroded .In this essay I will try to find the cause,and give some proposals.
As far as I am concerned,most of the elderly people,in general ,hold a conventional attitude towards changes,which I mean they are always stubborn and do not want to make any differences .They may prefer to keep the old lifestyle which usually proven to be unhealthy and even damage their health ,such as eating food which is reserved through a night .What is worse,they like to instill these incorrectly acknowledge to young people who are easy to accept original thinking and influenced by it.Because of it,the gap between the two groups is broader and the conflicts are more significant,which result the lack of respecting the old people.In addition,neglecting of the relevant education is also the cause.Many teenagers laugh at older people’s appearance and their inflexible bodies as they look ugly and walk slowly like snails,which really show teenagers’ ignorance.
To reverse the phenomenon ,there must some steps to be taken as the elderly people is a unit of our country and respecting them,to some extent,is beneficial to keep the harmony of our society .In the government level,they should fund in some programs that introduce the innovations to the old people and supply some course for old ones ,which could enrich their acknowledge and also narrow the distance between the two groups .In the individual level,parents should teach their children the values of respecting the elderly ones and set a model themselves for their children.
With all these actions been fulfilled,I believe the concern about the disappearance of the respecting elderly people will be unnecessary.

Answer 1

第一句的语义就有点重复,who are abused 和和家庭暴力难道不是一个玩意?increasing 修饰reports 一类的东西不太行, 或者是increasing number of ...shows ...?which I mean=这个有点莫名其妙啊,改成which means吧,开...