请大家帮我看看我的托福作文感激不尽痛哭流涕Ifyouwereaskedtosendonethingrepresentingyourcountrytoaninternationalexhibitionwhatwouldyouchoosewhy?正文：Withthedevelopmentofthesociety,country-to-countrycom

Question

请大家帮我看看我的托福作文 感激不尽痛哭流涕
If you were asked to send one thing representing your country to an international exhibition what would you choose why?
正文：
With the development of the society,country-to-country communications are more and more and more popular.But foreign people still do not very clearly understand the culture inside.If I have an opportunity to send one thing to an international exhibition which can represent my country ,I will bring an Introducing Video which is introduced about my country in it.
The Introducing Video is including about the history of my home country.It mentions china has a long history which is more than 5000 years.And people were very brave and they had a hard time because of the war .They needed to find land for surviving all the time.But we created many famous things like paper,ceramics,etc.After people see this video,they will know about china is a very incredible country thousands of years ago.
Also,the video talks about the view of china.There are a lot of beautiful ,interesting place in china and each place has its own interest and characteristic .people will know something about Chinese interesting place after they see the video so that they can easily choose the cities they want to travel in china .
In addition,the video mentions the modern development of new china .The development of new china is now getting more and more faster .china which is full of poor people and countryside before .But now many modern city has been built and people who live in china become richer and richer .That will let the foreign people who do not know too much about china realize that china is not as weak as it was before and never look down upon it.
the video include the history ,place of interests ,modern development about china .After the people saw the Introducing Video about China they will know that ,china has a lot of interesting place to visit ,china was an incredible country ,there were many famous invention in china ,it develop very fast now .the video include the history ,place of interests ,modern development about china .So the Introducing Video is one thing which can represent my country,
有一句有三个more去掉一个 sorry
可以告诉我大概可以拿到多少分吗
还有总体感觉

Answer 1

1.第一段which is introduced about 应改为which introduces,因为Vedio做主语是主动语态（如你第二段第一句是主动语态现在进行时）,而且 introduce是vt,一般不加介词,只有to sb表示申述对象才有介词.
2.最后一段the video include也应该是The video includes ,该句中place of interests 有点中式英文的味道,建议改为amazing places等
3.最后一段倒数第二句是和该段第一句累赘重复,可删除或换个说法.