请帮我看一下我的雅思作文，并按照经验来大致打个分题目：Beingacelebrity-suchasafamousfilmstarorsportspersonality-bringsproblemsaswellasbenefits.doyouthinkthatbeingacelebritybringsmorebenefitsormo

Question

请帮我看一下我的雅思作文，并按照经验来大致打个分
题目：
Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or sports personality - brings problems as well as benefits.
do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?
作文：
It is an argument that to be a celebrity,what can bring to the person. Somebody says that benefits more than problems,but someone else thinks negative things more than positive things. I think, however,to be a celebrity, it gets benefits more than problems. In this essay, I would like to provide my points of view as below.
Initially, to be a celebrity is not easy for everyone. You may have to work hard and put more effort into the thing you want to make it successful. It’s a hard time during the way to get your propose, so it can change a man whatever he was to be a great man. Pop stars or sports personalities, you can see their performance in TV, but you could not see they were working hard behind people.
Besides, celebrity is always watched in public,which makes you have more attention from people. You can make influence to the society to change unfair things by yourself. It’s effective and direct way to make people living better. People observed celebrities and learn things from them, so celebrities can introduce positive things to people.
However, to be observed by public is not always make you comfortable. Your private stuff will be judged by others and cannot be hidden from people. So celebrities need to be more careful in their own life and public with presses.
In conclusion, to be celebrity there will bemore benefits than problems. I hope everyone wants to be celebrity will makehis dream come true and make society more positive.

Answer 1

你好！
你的作文，按照雅思满分5分标准的话，应该在3.5比较合适。
简单点评一下，希望别见怪：
第一段写的不是很好，失误较多，对评分极为不利；
第二三段整体表达较见功力，但还是出现诸如冠词用法等初级失误，也很不利于得高分；
结尾段，主题得到升华，但还是出现初级失误，以及句子结构的严重失误。例如：
In conclusion, to be celebrity there will bemore benefits than problems.
修改：
In conclusion,【 being a 】celebrity 【does bring 强调】more benefits than problems【 in my view 既含有总结全文作用，又突显文章主题】.
I hope everyone 【who】wants to be【a】 celebrity will make his dream come true ,【which in return语义过渡更自然，也使整体句子档次升高】,will make our society more positive.
祝你开心如意！