100分!帮忙看下雅思作文有几分啊语法思路结构用词方面的给些建议谢谢（满意后追加20）IELTS题目:Insomecountriestheaverageweightofpeopleisincreasingandtheirlevelsofhealthandfitnessaredecreasing.W

Question

100分! 帮忙看下雅思作文有几分啊 语法思路结构用词方面的给些建议 谢谢 （满意后追加20）
IELTS题目:In some countries the average weight of people is increasing andtheir levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the cause of theseproblems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Given reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples fromyour own knowledge or experience.
文章：
Nowadays, many people in some countries witness the increase of average weight which cause the fall of their health levels. Therefore, it is significant for those people to find some effective solutions.There are several reasons for this challengingsituation. This essay will summarise some potential causes and put forward possible solutions.
There are three main potential reasons forit. Firstly, modern lifestyle such as eating too much junk food increase people’sfat. Secondly, many people prefer sitting in the office and facing computers all day without enough outdoor activities, causing negative on their health andweight control. Finally, many people are not willing to go to hospital when facing some health problems like getting fever because they think it is inconvenient and troublesome.
As far as I am concerned, some effective actions could be taken. It is a good choice to eat more vegetables and fruits which keeps balanced diet. Take my mother for example: she had lost twenty kilograms after having balanced diet. Moreover,taking more sports is helpful for losing weight. For instance,after my father deciding to ride bicycle every morning, he had lose some weight and his body condition improved a lot. Another good suggestion is that go to hospital regularly to check your body condition. An example from my grandfather that because he kept checking their body condition every month, it is lucky for him to find cancer in time and made successful action to remove it. So checking your body condition regularly cannot be ignored.
This essay explains some reasons and points out some good solutions to reduce weight and improve health. Although those suggestions are efficient, the most important is to persist until succeed.
能不能详细说说呢

Answer 1

对于打分我不是考官不太擅长,但作为一个刚屠鸭成功的资深烤鸭可以给你一点建议,
你的文章乍从结构和内容来看也都还是大学四六级作文的样子,我也是这样过来的（一把辛酸泪T T）,单单罗列几个理由然后再罗列几个自己的想法是不够的,你可以只列出两个原因但是最好每个原因一段,要展开分析,至少要能写3、4句,能举点例子更好,我们中国的学生就是太喜欢写说教式的文章,从小就是写假大空的议论文（这个真心不怪我们）= =
比如你第一个原因eating too much junk food,你可以写因为垃圾食品种类越来越多且通常味道和外观都做得很诱人the fast food looks pretty attractive both in taste and appearance,引得许多孩子喜欢吃垃圾食品,导致他们从小就体重超标,这个现象已经越来越普遍common phenomenon,是人们平均体重超标的一个潜在原因potential reason.然后下面As far as I am concerned的时候,就可以对应地写parents should be to blame for this,应该提供balanced diet for child,encourage them to do outdoor activities等等,还有广告商也有责任as well as the advertisements,应该限制垃圾食品在TV上的广告播出,并宣传over weight会带来的问题
总之用词不一定要多复杂但思路很重要,你可以去YY语音上听一听老师的公开课（人人雅思哥有推荐的频道）,对拓宽思路很有帮助,雅思大作文观点很重要
一点拙见,希望能有所帮助,加油!