雅思作文求批改Childrenwhogrowupinneedyfamiliesarebetterpreparedtodealwithproblemsintheiradultlifethanchildrenwhoarebroughtupbywealthyparents.Doyouagreeordisagree?拙作：Theissueofchildrenfromwhichkindof

Question

雅思作文求批改
Children who grow up in needy families are better prepared to deal with problems in their adult life than children who are brought up by wealthy parents .Do you agree or disagree?
拙作：The issue of children from which kind of family- needy or wealthy- have a stronger ability to deal with problems in their adult life,in my opinion,is not about their family backgrounds,but the way how they are cultivated.
Clearly,children's family backgrounds play a pivotal role in forming the ability of solving problems.Some people suggest children from wealthy families tend to receive much more care and assistance when getting into trouble while children from needy families have narrow accesses to help.As a result,children from better families may develop a sense of reliance,and their peers from needy families tend to develop a sense of independence as they could turn to no one for help.Thus,when these children grow up,children from poor families would deal with problems better than those from wealthy families.
However,other people argue that wealthy families are always providing children with better education and instruction.Thus,there goes without saying that children who are educated better are always performing and solving problems better.In contrast,children from poor families may not fulfill their potential.
Despite all these considerations,I believe that it is the way how children are raised up that matters rather than their backgrounds.The ability of solving problems is mainly cultivated by schooling and parenting.In wealthy families,parents can also urge their children to think and deal with problems individually,which may help build children's independence.On the other hand,the ignoration from parents in needy families because of poverty would have a detrimental influence on their children mentally and emotionally.In all likelihood,these children may be at a loss or behaving badly once problems occur.
As far as I am concerned,proper guidance plays a much more important role in promoting children's ability to deal with problems rather than their backgrounds.

Answer 1

1.开头段过于单薄,仅仅一句表达自己的观点.一般第一句是把题目改写的,说明这个现象怎样引发广泛争论,后面第二句才是主旨句,自己的观点是什么什么……另外,in my opinion用烂,it is my personal belief that ……改成...