帮忙批改一下我的作文谢谢!Nowadays,whatisthekeythingthatpeopleshouldpaytheirattentionsto?Agalaxyofexpertsmustarguethattheenergyissueortheenvironmentproblemistheimportantone.However,thoseassertionstomejus

Question

帮忙批改一下我的作文谢谢!
Nowadays, what is the key thing that people should pay their attentions to? A galaxy of experts must argue that the energy issue or the environment problem is the important one. However, those assertions to me just depicted the whole picture partially. In my mind, lacking of respect to old people is also an aspect, which cannot be ignored.
The problem of insufficient respect to old people haunts not only less developed countries but also the developed ones, provoking intense discourses among the leaders and the rank and file. Two reasons are frequently accepted to raise this debate. Firstly, the problem is supposed to be causing by education. Modern education focuses so much on impacting the knowledge of literature and science, therefore the sense of traditional politeness, which should fasten its hooks in man’s head, has been lighten gradually.
Secondly, what we must take into consideration is the reason of fast developing economic status. Now, more and more people are beginning to believe that the more money you have, the more power you will hold. So, the rich men consider themselves have no necessity to show their respect to the old men who devote less and less to their families, societies and nations.
But, how to crack the nut of this problem? The essential solution is changing one’s mind by spreading the sense of morality by books, TVs or Internet. Only when people realize the errors from the bottom of heart, can they amend the mistakes quickly and completely.
The analysis above leads to the conclusion naturally that it is high time that we solve this problem causing by both education and economic thought every efficient ways.
呵呵,能不能给点具体的意见,比如句子疏通的问题上,哪里改一下会更顺,举一个例子就行.谢谢了.

Answer 1

语法没问题,句子疏通上有些许欠缺!加油呀!