我希望较权威的朋友帮我改改我的雅思作文我不知道自己作文到底什么地方还不够!顺便给个分数.Somepeoplesaythatchildrenshouldbedisplinedintheirearlyage,andpunishmentshouldbeused.tosomeextentdoyou

Question

我希望较权威的朋友帮我改改我的雅思作文 我不知道自己作文到底什么地方还不够!顺便给个分数.
Some people say that children should be displined in their early age,and punishment should be used.to some extent do you agree?
What kind of punishment can be used by teachers and parents.
When it comes to the issue whether should parents and teachers punish the student,people are standing different ground .some convince that punishment will hurt the children and it will leave a shade in children’s memory,which will influence their hole lives.However,some people have a opposite idea,they believe that children should displined in their early age,and punishment should be used.
As far as I am concerned,the latter is more reasonable.
I believe proper punishment is beneficial to children to form good behavior .As we all know,people’s behavior and habits are always constructed at early age and the proper punishment can tell the children what should do and what should not do .Once in my early age ,I picked up the money on the desk to buy some candy but did not tell my parents because I am a fat girl and my parents did not allow me to eat suger .Eventually it was discovered by my mother ,she was quite angery and punished me .I know that she do not want to punish me but she want me to form a good behavior .therefore the punishment is very important in children’s young age .
However ,it is not all the punishment we can adapt because the punishment is not the purpose instead it is a kind of approuch to educate the children .So teachers and parents should use it properly.Parents can punish their children through some housework which can educate their kids instead of adapting violence .In the school ,teacher can cultivate the children through doing some cleaning or have some exercise which not only can educate them but also build up their health.
In general,as long as we make proper use of the punishment ,can children benefit from it

Answer 1

病句比较多,还有一些单词拼写错误.这些都应该避免,不然6分都难.
从结构上来说,头重脚轻.后两段,每段至少要有一个论点的句子,三个不同的论据支撑.不能泛泛而谈.
另外,如果要拿高分,每个分论据之间应该有一个逻辑的关系,而不是想到一个是一个.
考了很多次雅思,以上经验仅供参考.