这是我的第一篇雅思练习作文,希望大家帮我修改,谢谢题目：8分万能作文第87页ThisbarchartillustratesthepercentageofpeoplewhogethighereducationinChinafrom1990to2004.Itisclearthattheproportionofthepe

Question

这是我的第一篇雅思练习作文,希望大家帮我修改,谢谢
题目：8分万能作文第87页
This bar chart illustrates the percentage of people who get higher education in China from 1990 to 2004. It is clear that the proportion of the people receiving higher education is an upward trend.
As can be seen from the bar graph that there was a slight increase from 1990(about 4%) to 1994 (approximately 11%) in Chinese higher education student numbers. The figure doubled in the next two years arrived t roughly 22% in 1996. After that, substantial surge in the number of Chinese students enrolled in higher education amount to approximately 10% between the years from 1996 to 1998 and to 2000 respectively. And the number in China ascended precipitously from around 45% to about 65% during the period between the years 2000 and 2002, and the statistic increase slightly6 to just under 70%.
Therefore, it can be clearly seen from the bar diagram that the numbers in higher education in China has a dramatical rise between 1990 and 2004.
希望大家能帮我评一个分数,多指出些错误,谢谢.
另外,我8月29日第一次雅思考试,在这一个月里应该怎样练习写作?希望大家能多给我一些好的建议.

Answer 1

This bar chart illustrates the percentage of people who receive high level education in China from 1990 to 2004. Clearly, the proportion of people receiving tertiary education shows an upward trend. (It is ....这种句型少用 在IELTS还好 如果是在sat的写作中 或是 国外大学的写作中 这种句式会被视为redundant and vague 但是有一些词是必须用的 比如说 It is incumbent upon...., etc)
According to the graph, the number of students enrolled in higher education slightly increased from 1990(about 4%) to 1994 (approximately 11%) in China. What is more, this figure doubled during the next two years, arriving at rougly 22%. From 1996 onwards, substantial increasei is noticed in the number of Chinese students studied in tertiary education, amounting to approximately 10% (between the years from 1996 to 1998 and to 2000 respectively) 括号中的话有问题 因为没有图 我不知道具体情况是什么样的 但是语法上是肯定错的,confusing~. In adiition, the number of Chinese students who took high leverl education ascended precipitously from 45% 65% between 2000 and 2002, a figure which rose to almost 70%.
Therefore, it can be clearly seen from the bar diagram that the numbers in higher education in China has a dramatical rise between 1990 and 2004. (wordy....)
4.5