雅思大牛们,麻烦帮忙看看这篇作文吧!麻烦各位大牛看看有什么问题,哪里需要提高...话说我之前考,写作最高也就5.5,太低了太低了...现在想要提到6...有好心大牛能够帮忙改改更好啊!Anincreasi

Question

雅思大牛们,麻烦帮忙看看这篇作文吧!
麻烦各位大牛看看有什么问题,哪里需要提高...话说我之前考,写作最高也就5.5 ,太低了太低了...现在想要提到6...有好心大牛能够帮忙改改更好啊!
An increasing number of people change their career and place of residence several time during their lives.Is this a positive or negative development?
Never have changes of our society or individuals been son numerous as they are today.In terms of individuals,the number of people who alter their occupation and place of recidence constantly is growing,which since people have increasingly own thoughts and look forward to gain debelopment or promotion.For this situation,there are both advantages and disadvantages.
Changing career and residence has several benefits for individuals,companies and our society.There is no denying the fact that a number of people do not satisfy with their current job or residence.As a result,applying a new job or moving to another more suitable place is an effetive way to obtain opportunities of advancement even more positive career prospects.Futhermore,it enable individuals to expend their outlook,enrich their xeperience and know about diverse culture,which make people have more abilities of competition.Additionally,the fact,people changing their job,means compaines need new employees who would bring about fresh blood,creative ability and advanced thoughts to replace previous people.The compan would benefits from the communication between talented person from different enterprises such as improvement of company culture,infomationg about competitors and more sfficient technology.Besides,our souciety would be more active due to these changes.If individuals never make any changes,it would be hard to imagine how our society like.
Even though there are a bunch of advantages,these changes also bring about positive impact for us.As we all know,it is a long time that employees arrive at tops of their career,since they must accumulate experience,even spend much time on waitting an uncommon chance fir this.So they would lose all their fundation that established for several years if they alter careeror residence often.It is no doubt that they need cost a long and uncertain time to adopt to new environment.Companies that these people stayed would face several crucial problems like the talent flight,losing of trade secret and destruction of compnies’ stability.New employees would not adapt to the culture and method of the company so that declined produvtivity.Whatsmore,the stability of our society would be ruin,which many be lead to the proliferation of crime.
To sum up,I have to admit that I cannot illustrate is this a positive or negative development,becasuse this is a double edged sword for individuals or society.Certainly,we have to think about this topic much more in the future.

Answer 1

首先,我是对托福有点了解,雅思的情况不清楚,托福上也不算大牛.我根据托福的要求在前两段做了点修改.说实话,你的逻辑不够完善,总起段已经从individual的角度去说,这个……根据雅思的要求你看下,反正前后有点问题.另外就是你的语法相对欠缺,这个可能是阻碍你拿高分的最大障碍.我的修改仅仅针对语法,不涉及词句和意思,一方面是我不敢根据托福要求乱改,另一方面我的目的是希望你注意并在今后加强表达的严谨.
Never have changes of our society and individuals been so numerous as they are today.In terms of individuals,the number of people who alter their occupations and places of recidence constantly is growing,since people have been increasingly owning thoughts and looking forward to gaining development or promotion.In this situation are both advantages and disadvantages.
Changing career and residence has several benefits for individuals,companies and our society.There is no denying the fact that a number of people are not satisfied with their current jobs or residence.As a result,applying for a new job or moving to another more suitable place is an effetive way to obtain opportunities of advancement and even more positive career prospects.Futhermore,it enables individuals to expand their outlook,enrich their experience and know more about diverse cultures,which arms people with stronger core competition.Additionally,the fact that people change their jobs means that compaines need new employees who would bring about fresh blood,creativity and advanced thoughts to replace previous staff.The company would benefit from the communication with talented persons from different enterprises in many aspects,such as the improvement of company culture,the collection of infomation about competitors and more sophisticated technology.Besides,our souciety would be more active due to these changes.If individuals never made any change,it would be hard to imagine what our society will be like.
一些表达不妥当的地方请自行斟酌……