诚请雅思大牛帮我批改一下作文.题目：Universitiesshouldacceptequalnumbersofmaleandfemalestudentsineverysubject.:Incontemperorytime,manypeopleclaimthatuniversitiesshouldacceptequalnumbersofmaleandfemalestudent

Question

诚请雅思大牛帮我批改一下作文.题目：Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female
students in every subject.:
In contemperory time, many people claim that universities should accept equal numbers of male and female student, which makes no sense to me.
As the competition is increasingly stiff, education circumtence is vital for undergraduates.An equal number of girls and boys will help students building love relationships which in turn distracts their attention in study.Further, the ratio of boys to girls is mostly decided by the characteristic of the school. For example,in my school, the ratio of boys to girls is 7 to 3 because of school's concentration on science and engineering.By contract, schools,which have tendency in humanities can easily attract more girls than boys.
others would find numbers of boys and girls important coz most students attend college in their early twenties---an age of first love. Spending some quality time with a person of oppsite sex seems to be a personal need.Consequently, equality of numbers between males and females gives students an easier way to find a date.Is it really neccesory? In terms of age, which in my opnion, is also a crucial period to learn.After graduation, we are still capable of finding love, while on the contrary, we may find no time to learn faced with society.Thus there is no point in regulating the ratio of males to females in school.
Compared with ratio of boys to girls, there are many other factors that are more essential to a school, such as facilities, teachers and the like. Instead of bothering those that do not matter(e.g. ratio), we should work on more important things.
第一次练笔,感觉还是有很多不尽人意的地方.希望能够得到前辈们的点评,帮忙指正,谢谢

Answer 1

总体不错,我挑点小毛病
第一段多加一句你自己的观点
第二段最好不用用数字!7要写seven
第三段coz这可是美式口语!请不要用简写,比如he‘s要写he is
最后,你要写一句你自己总结的话