跪求托福大神帮批改下小女自己YY的TPO23对立写作Intoday'sworld,itismoreimportanttoworkquicklyandriskmakingmistakesthantoworkslowlyandmakesurethateverythingiscorrect.Intoday'ssociety,everybodyhasafastp

Question

跪求托福大神帮批改下 小女 自己YY 的TPO23 对立写作
In today's world, it is more important towork quickly and risk making mistakes than to work slowly and make sure that everythingis correct.


In today's society, everybody has a fastpace life. Everybody wants to finish work in the shortest time and thus hasmore time for relaxing. Whereas, some people worry about that the quality ofour work will decline as we rush to finish our work. Still, I believe it ismore important to work quickly and making mistakes than to work slowly and makesure that everything is correct.

"Done is better than perfect” is amotto on face book office's wall. It is their way of doing things that make theall employees more productive in limited time. Therefore, face book has been suchsuccessful company in today's highly competitive technology field. Moreover, Idon't think we have right to judge one product if the product is not finished.It is like we can’t start to decorate a room until we finish building thehouse. At work, the process of the whole project will be stopped if we cannotget our work done on time. As students, we won't get a score on our papers ifour papers are uncompleted.

At times, it is just a stenotypethat the more time we spend on one thing, the better it will turn out. On the contrary, It is not the truth all thetime. In some cases, we will make a better choice following our intuitions,because we are able to reflect on our past experiences subconsciouslyand make the best choice in a short time. On the other hand, if we are tryingto make every detail perfect at first time, it will probably turn into abarrier for us psychologically. In end, it may become a cause for procrastination.In my opinion, the best to start doing work is to draw a frame of the workfirstly and get the ball rolling. We can prefect our work after finishing themain sketches of the work.

Creating a mater piece is demanding andtime consuming. At most times, a mater piece is not the first version. It isalways a better solution for us to finish our work at first and then revise itthan to polish every detail when we first do it.

Answer 1

首先,这个论题,你一个方向倒,就不好写,没有足够的说服力,如果我反驳你,做得快但是都是错的,那做出来的东西对这个社会一点意义都没有,为了修正,还要花大量时间,不是更没效率?
第一段第二段开头都是In today's ...,要多积累一些连接词,让文章不那么单调...
文章没有例子,就说了个facebook,他们的关系我还没看懂,实在鸡肋...例子不要想过大过空的,举身边的例子最好,没有就编.
句式单一,从句都很少见,被动语态,都可以用啊...
感觉你词汇量是可以的,但是单调的文章配上华丽的词汇反而别扭...
整篇逻辑性还是可以的...多看看别人的文章,别自顾自的写.