高手帮忙改一下我的英语短文^-^thanks!主要是增强一下有些句子的连贯性,我是大一的,所以水平不要太高了 这是每单元前的lead—in 问了几个问题 ,我是一一回答的,所以感觉很不连贯If I were the

Question

高手帮忙改一下我的英语短文^-^thanks!
主要是增强一下有些句子的连贯性,我是大一的,所以水平不要太高了 这是每单元前的lead—in 问了几个问题 ,我是一一回答的,所以感觉很不连贯
If I were the parents or husbands of these girls,I would fobid them from wearing miniskirts since the miniskirts are too revealing.But if I were the boyfrids of these gilrs ,I would not make an objection because I think they have the rights to do what they like.When I am wearing somethind new of fashionable I would probably feel a little shy since i am a man whose thought is tradional and I don't like to attract people's attention in a public place.I don't think fashion shows are necessary in today's society.Because the clothes which the models wearing are not fit to we ordinary people at all.I think there are some snobbish people in contemporary society,especially in the government.These people would probably react to you differently when you wear different clothes and drive different cars.

Answer 1

我加了一点连接词,和改了一点词汇,一般来说,用词不要重复比较好,think这个词频率太高,使者用其他词或换种用法,我在文中做了2个示范,其他的你可以自己改一下.
修改过的地方用了（）
If I were the parents or husbands of these girls,I would fobid them from wearing miniskirts (which) are too revealing(,however) .But if I were the (boyfriends) of these gilrs ,I would not make (any objections )because I (believe) they have the rights to do what they like.(As for me,)When I am (trying something) new (or) fashionable I would probably feel a little shy since (I am such a person) whose thought is tradional and I don't like to (catch) people's attention in a public place.(Further more,in my point of view),fashion shows are necessary in today's society.Because the clothes which the models (wear) (may) not fit to we ordinary people at all.I think there are some snobbish people in contemporary society,especially in the government.These people would probably react to you differently when you wear different clothes and drive different cars.