请有经验的人指点一下我试写的托福英语独立写作,Yourcityhasdecidedtobuildastatueormonumenttohonorafamouspersoninyourcountry.Whowouldyouchoose?Usereasonsandspecificexamplestosupportyourchoice.IfIwereab

Question

请有经验的人指点一下我试写的托福英语独立写作,
Your city has decided to build a statue or monument to honor a famous person in your country.Who would you choose?Use reasons and specific examples to support your choice.
If I were able to choose a famous person to make a statue for him in our city,I would choose Confucius,the most profound thinker,philosopher and educationist in Chinese histroy.
Confucius lived in the ancient China in 400 BC.And he had greatly changed the ideology of ancient China,which we can still feel today.In the day before Confucius's birth,nearly all the countries were at war for larger territory,which left the people in a arid life.In this background,Confucius highly advocated benevolence and humanity,paving the way for China to a higher level civilization.He disseminated his theory by travelling across the countries and conviencing the emperor that this theory dose work.But it's just too bad,indulging in the war,all the emperors at that time turned a deaf ear to him.
And Confucius created a brand-new education system that lasted for over two thousand years,which can prove his prodigious influence.Before his creation,education is the patent of the gentry,and the ordinary folks were unable to access it.Confucius set up the first ordinary-people-oriented school in the Chinese history,blazed the way for his fellows.It is said that he had more than three thousand students.And he didn't regard them as money tree,but restrained himself and led a lite lifestyle all his life to set up a model for his students.
Confucius' most important achievement might be that he ceme up with a systematic theory for the emperor to manage a country.He claimed that the emperor have to be benevonlent to his people,which can improve the citizens' morality level,unite the whole country and then forge a powerful and civil country.Nearly all the governor after Han dynasty,about 200 BC,adoptd his theory,and many of them even put it in a sacred status that no one are allowed to heckle.On the whole,his ideal witnessed and accelerated the development of China.
In a word,I just can't find out a more remarkable celebrated person that influenced and benefit us so much.He changed our basic mind,generalize primary education and help to unite the whole Chinese nation.It is undeniable that he totally deserves the statue.

Answer 1

有一些错误.第二段第二行 ：In the day 应该改为 In the days,因为孔子生前的日子,日子不止一天.第二段第三行："a arid life" 改为 arid lives.因为people是负数,他们的生活也就不止是一个人的生活.就算你要用单数形...