请哪位大侠帮我改改这篇托福作文吧...结构,语言,什么问题都可以提是否同意以下观点?Ratherthanhelptheirchildrendoschoolwork,parentsshouldencouragetheirchildrendoworkindendently.Thesedays,parentsarealways

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请哪位大侠帮我改改这篇托福作文吧...结构,语言,什么问题都可以提
是否同意以下观点?
Rather than help their children do school work,parents should encourage their children do work indendently.
These days,parents are always helping their children do a wide range of things,such as cleaning their clothes,preparing meals for them,and some even stick the spoons into their mouths helping them to eat.No wonder there is a saying goes that:the more diligent parents are,the lazier the children they have.So,when it comes to the topic that whether parents should help their children do school work,I would definitely prefer the statement that parents should encourage their children do their work independently.
Some parents may think that helping children to finish their homework can reduce the time they spend on it,which means that they can finish works more efficiently.However,this kind of explanation just does not make sense.The “efficient” means nothing here because it’s not all the children’s intelligence but part of their parents to help finishing it.Besides this,Parents tend to think that helping children to do their homework may inspire them a little on tasks when they have no idea on them.Children,however,who are too immature to understand the parents’ intention,simply accept the answers without thinking it thoroughly by themselves.
In my opinion,training the skill of independence is vital.This not only means the independence on life,but also mental one- thinking independently.Children need to develop the ability to figure out questions by themselves,so that their intelligence can be well developed.The fact is,however,too many of them rely on their teachers and parents,or even simply follow the idea of them without considering whether the things they teach are right or not.In other words,they fail to thinking out of the box and simply follow other’s thinking pattern instead of generate thinking of their own.If the teachers and parents do not give children a hand that often (of course,I don’t mean that they shouldn’t help them at all),children are more likely to figure out a problem depending on themselves.In this way,they can have better and brighter future,since parents cannot help children all their life after all.

Answer 1

So句首改therefore
那个 格式吧 貌似最好是中间段的话 先topic 然后detailed examples 然后conclusion topic