Nowadaysithasbecomefashionableforcollegestudentstotakeapart-timejobintheirsparetime.Discusstheadvantagesanddisadvantagesofthistrend这个是我写的作文：Takeapart-timejobInthistime,moreandmorecollegestudentsare

Question

Nowadays it has become fashionable for college students to take a part-time job in their spare time.Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this trend
这个是我写的作文：
Take a part-time job
In this time,more and more college students are likely to take a part-time job in their spare time,this circumstance are becoming porpular.Whereas,some people state that these action can not to be encouraged while others said it is good at to students.In this essay,we will talk about the merit and shortcoming of this trend.
On one hand,we can not ignore the fact that to take a part-time job,students will have more opportunities to built up their ability of practice.These work can teach them some parts of knowledge which they can not get it from books.Besides,we can learn some working experience which is useful for us when we graduate from school,it can help us to be more confidence when we find a job.What is more,they can earn some money by themselves,in some extent,it can help students who come from poor family.
On the other hand,some people suggest that these job take so many times that college students have little time to pay attention to their course,they said students should set study to the first condition instead of doing some job.In addition,the schools can not essure students are save when they go out from school to work.Therefore,these people are not support the students to take a part-time job.
In my opinion,take a part-time job is not an intelligent choice,we need to study hard at school when we are still a student,we are apt to feel pretty tired when we take these job and have no energy to learn.In general,we should not take the part-time job as we are students.

Answer 1

进一步修改
to build up
some money,these job,some job 明显错了
the schools 改为 schools essure改为ensure
take a part-time job is not an intelligent choice 应为 taking……
we are still a student 为 we are still students
take a part-time job
pretty tired 为 rather tired