求大牛给我的托福作文打分,提提建议WhenIwasachild,myparentsarestrictaboutthetimeIplayandwatchTV,andevenlockedmeinaroomwhenIwantwatchmoreandarguewiththem.AsIgrowup,Ibecometounderstandthatthemannert

Question

求大牛给我的托福作文打分,提提建议
When I was a child,my parents are strict about the time I play and watch TV,and even locked me in a room when I want watch more and argue with them.As I grow up,I become to understand that the manner to set and obey to discipline enables me to stay focused during study,and have more fun when playing.
First of all,watching TV is not always good for kids’ intelligence development.When a kid watches TV,he cannot do anything except sitting on the sofa and watch.He cannot interact with TV like interacting the Internet,either can he stop and think for a while like when reading.Some researchers find that the kids who watch a lot of TV have difficulties to concentrate their mind,and are slower when responding to others.
Secondly,part of education is about teaching the kids to be self-disciplinary.Although parents should not intervene too much in how the kids use their time,it is important for parents to set an agreement with kids and always stick to it thereafter.Take me as an example,my parents had discussed and set a rule with me that I cannot watch TV for more than two hours every day,but I can decide by myself when to watch.As time went,I learnt to make a good plan,so that I will not miss the most interesting dramas and shows.I benefit a lot from this manner,and it helps me to live a more balanced life when I become an adult.
In conclusion,parents should limit the hours of watching TV programs or movies,and make it a manner.Watching too much TV shows or movies have negative impact on kids’ intelligence development,and stop kids from forming a good habit.

Answer 1

1这句话很中式英语,时态不一致,When I was a child,my parents are strict about the time I play and watch TV,换成When I was a child,my parents were strict about my time of playing and watching TV.
2.下面这句话也有问题,and even locked me in a room when I want watch more and argue with them.
a room后面接一个when从句,地点名词怎么能作为when引导的时间状语从句的先行词呢?时态也不对,wanted to watch more and argued with them
3 As I grow up,I become to understand that没有错误,但后面错误the manner to set and obey to discipline enables the manner to set是一个名词短语,to set是不定式作为后置定语,obey是一个谓语动词的形式,后面的enable也是一个谓语动词的形式,一个句子两个谓语动词怎么行呢?而且obey是一个及物动词,是不需要加to的,后面的and是一个并列连词,这意味着have more……的主语就是the manner to set and obeying the discipline了.When 是一个从属连词,后面接一个句子,playing是个非谓语动词,显然不行啊,
综上所述,改成As I grow up,I become to understand that to obey the manner set and discipline set by my parents enables me to stay focused during study,and furthermore,that will surely do me more fun when I enjoy the time of playing.
4 watching TV is not always good for kids’ intelligence development中的be good for是非常小学生化,平民化的词组,到了托佛考试这样的层次,建议换一个高级一点的吧,beneficial或者instrumental
5 except sitting on the sofa and watch中的watch应该是watching,watching与前面的sitting并列作为借此except的宾语
6 intervene too much in中的in就没有必要加了,因为intervene就是一个及物动词啊
7 and are slower when responding to others.中的and会引起歧义：are slower when responding to others的主语是Some researchers,还是the kids?倒不如把are slower when responding to others换成伴随状语,responding to others more slowly compared to those who don’t indulge themselves to TV shows
8 Take me as an example应该是Take me for example吧
9 my parents had discussed应该是一般现在时吧：my parents have discussed
10 set a rule with me中的介词用错了,应该是set a rule for me,读起来也更通顺,不是么?
11 I cannot watch TV for more than two hours every day中的for就显得多此一举了
12 but I can decide by myself when to watch.中when to watch中,谁是主语,谁是谓语?when I want to watch tv
13 As time went也错了,应该是As time went by
14 I learnt to make a good plan,so that I will not miss the most interesting dramas and shows,前半句的learnt是过去时态,后半句的miss是一般现在时,一个句子跳跃这么大,老师会发火的……
15 helps me to live help sb to do 也无可厚非,但help sb do sth用得比较多
16 and make it a manner没有语法错误,但换成会and fix it as a manner更好些
17词汇不丰富,句式变化不灵活,语法错误多,是最大的致命伤,如果托福作文满分是20分,你这篇文章顶多只能拿一个高不成低不就的及格分,或者更低!换成另外一个说法,你这篇文章在四六级考试中也只是一片中游偏下的文章（恕我直言……）