请帮我修改一下一首英文诗,毕业后的纪念特别重要,希望大家帮我好好改一下就要毕业了,写了一下几年的感触,这事有点舍不得,不想留下什么遗憾,所以特想写好一点,希望大家我我改一下,多

Question

请帮我修改一下一首英文诗,毕业后的纪念特别重要,希望大家帮我好好改一下
就要毕业了,写了一下几年的感触,这事有点舍不得,不想留下什么遗憾,所以特想写好一点,希望大家我我改一下,多谢了.
Dawn blossoms plucked at dusk
Eternity is not just diamond,
Some memories, after one hundred years,
It still clearly remains, alive in our heart.
Those were the day, when I was innocent, when I was childish,
When we have always thought about the endless studies,
When we have always complained about the too much work,
When we have always thought that the day had never end.
Sumer turns to winter,
Sapling became trees.
It was the time to part,
to leave from the known place.
It was the times tide,
quietly, wiped out our corners.
Here, we have spent many seasons, spring and fall,
Here, we have keep many memories, laughter with tears,
Here, we have left a lot of footprints, around away,
Here, we have learned too and too much, live to life.
We have always dreamed to leave, but when the dream come true,
We just could not let us go.
Now we are going to part, now we are not naughty again.
All things will be written in the history,
which we will keep deep in our hearts.
It's such a special feeling
To close our eyes and reminisce awhile.
The tide recedes, but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand.
For every joy that passes, something beautiful remains.
谢谢大家帮忙,但我还有一个小问题语法的错误已经被 Jen小文大师 纠正了,能不能在帮再我把这首诗改的更加押韵一点,更加顺畅一点,总是觉得读起来比较绕口,不是那么流畅.

Answer 1

诗写的很不错啊,你这是大学还是什么毕业呢?
多处有小型语法错误,但是不影响理解你的意思.
以后想改诗尽量标明行数,这样比较容易评论.
1 Dawn blossoms plucked at dusk
2 Eternity is not just diamond,
3 Some memories, after one hundred years,
4 It still clearly remains, alive in our heart.
5 Those were the day, when I was innocent, when I was childish,
6 When we have always thought about the endless studies,
7 When we have always complained about the too much work,
8 When we have always thought that the day had never end.
9 Sumer turns to winter,
10 Sapling became trees.
11 It was the time to part,
12 to leave from the known place.
13 It was the times tide,
14 quietly, wiped out our corners.
15 Here, we have spent many seasons, spring and fall,
16 Here, we have keep many memories, laughter with tears,
17 Here, we have left a lot of footprints, around away,
18 Here, we have learned too and too much, live to life.
19 We have always dreamed to leave, but when the dream come true,
20 We just could not let us go.
21 Now we are going to part, now we are not naughty again.
22 All things will be written in the history,
23 which we will keep deep in our hearts.
24 It's such a special feeling
25 To close our eyes and reminisce awhile.
26 The tide recedes, but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand.
27 For every joy that passes, something beautiful remains.
4: it...remains 单数,与前边 memories 负数不搭配, 建议 Still remain clearly, alive in our hearts.
5: those were the day "day"该加s
6： 第8行也用到thought,建议这里找些更丰富的词汇. 参考： When we have always worried about the endless studies,
7: the too much work 不应该用特指, 建议 When we have always complained of too much work to do,
8： had 应该 改为 would
9： summer 两个m , turns 改为 turned (下边用became, 是 过去式）
10: sapling 加 s
13-14: times tide 应该是 Time's tide 或 tide of time. 前边用了 it was, 后边 wiped 应该是 wiping.
16： keep 改为 kept
18: live to life 猜不出你什么意思额, 建议life and love
19: to leave 改为 of leaving； come 改为 came
结尾很好,看的出用心了