恳请各位英语达人们,老师们看一下我的雅思作文,给点意见（能得多少分）吧,Q:Somepeoplethinkthegovernmentshouldincreasethesportsfacilitiestosolvethepublichealthproblems.However,othersthinkthatothermeasure

Question

恳请各位英语达人们,老师们看一下我的雅思作文,给点意见（能得多少分）吧,
Q:
Some people think the government should increase the sports facilities to solve the public health problems.However,others think that other measures should be taken to help resolve this problem.Discuss both views
and give your own opinion.
A：
Healthy problems are the hottest issues for modern society since so many people has suffered for disease for varies reasons,
such as lack of regular practices,unhealthy diets.At the moment,some people are arguing that the government should increase the
sports facilities in order to solve those problems,while others are arguing that there are other measures should be taken to settle this matter.This essay is going to discuss both views and give my personal opinions.
The government,indeed,can solve the public healthy problems easily.Such as spending budgets on improving sports facilities.The reason for this is because the government is able to pool and dominate various resources.
A good example for this is in 2007,the Beijing government spent above 1.5 billion on building new sports centers.Although the main purpose for this to prepare for 2008 Summer Olympic games,it improved their residents health because more and more people chose to play sports after work rather than went to night pubs.
Another good reason for the government should improve the sports facilities is that the authority,especially the politics are responsible for national welfare,which includes improve public health.Ensure citizens' rights,is one of the main reasons that voters vote for their government members.
However,the government should not taken full responsibilities for public health since there are other organizations/corporations or ways to solve those problems.As a trustful example,the international import/export company --the "Golden Boat",took a research on their employees' health at the end of 2010.The research shown that there were 1,200 employees took sick leaves in 2009; in 2010,after a program called "The hike journey" which was arranged by the "Golden Boat",organized their employees to walk from CBD area to reservation park (the distance is about 16 km).The research shown a significant decrease that only 300 employees took sick leaves in 2010.Therefore this is really an efficient,and another way to settle the public healthy issues.
In conclusion,I do believe that the government should take the majority of responsibilities to solve public healthy problem.However,other organizations will also helps government to deal with it other different ways.Only through integrating those two groups,can public health problem be settled completely.

Answer 1

我觉得你写的不错, 有很多细节你也写道并给与supporting ideas 高分一定能拿到八 但是我要是再鸡蛋里挑骨头一点的话你的grammer 记住标点符号哦~
就倒数第2个paragraph 最后一行, therefore 后面有逗号； 那行里的 way 前面是不是加一个possible 更好些呢? 这是我的看法吧
加油 要是想跟我交谈的话 可以发我邮箱([e-mail]) 或skype （miliwu1）

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