这篇托福作文大概是什么水平?Youhaveenoughmoneytopurchaseeitherahouseorabusiness.Whichwouldyouchoosetobuy?Givespecificreasonstoexplainyourchoice.正文Atfirstglance,purchasingabusinessseemstobemorestableand

Question

这篇托福作文大概是什么水平?
You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business.Which would you choose to buy?Give specific reasons to explain your choice.
正文
At first glance,purchasing a business seems to be more stable and safe.However,if I am the one who has enough money to purchase a business,then I will definitly choose to own a business,which is exciting and challenging,rather than purchasing a house.
First of all,the main reason why I would make this decision is that owning a business is my life goal and my dream,and having enough money to purchase one would be a chance of a life time to me.Almost everything I do in school now is a step toward this goal,therefore,there is no way I would miss this chance just for housing,which I don't really have to worry about at this point.
Secondly,a house is a stable property while a business means unlimited potential.You can make more money by running a business if you take good care of it while a house's price may going up and down unexpectly without your control.Most people perfer to control their property and so do I.In addition,if you indeed earn more money by running this buiness then you will able to use the additional money to purchase a house.Purchasing a business make it possible to own both a business and a house.Thus,it seems to be a more attractive choice to me.
Last but not least,I am applying for buiness in university to extand my knowledge in this area,which means I will at least have the baisc knowledge needed to occupy a buiness.Based on my experience,most people chose to purchase a house because they don't have the very basic knowledge to keep the business go well and they perfer stable life,which is a not a persuasive reason for me.Even though I am fully aware of the hardness of running a business,I would like to face the challenge after I learn the basic knowledge I need in university.
In conclusion,I believe I can be more benefited not only physicly but also emotional by choosing to purchase a buisness because of my dream,the potential,and my favour of challenge.

Answer 1

看起来似乎很完整 可是仔细看就说了三个点 每个点都不深
一.一桩生意是你一生的追求
二.生意相比较房产有更大的升值空间
三.你有basic skills 相比较于那些不是business专业的人
你的例子要不就没有,要不就不够specific,好比第一点,为什么一桩生意是你一生的追求,应该说有了一桩生意你就有了成就事业的资本,这样写一是可以上下衔接,和下段的潜力有机结合起来.第二段的潜力,你只是自己拼命说生意比房产有潜力,但是没说为什么对不对?在中国很多人都把房产当做生意做,炒房不是生意?不比生意赚更多钱么?这里你就要说出你自己的理由,好比房产只是生意的一部分而且现在的房产泡沫让房产不一定赚钱,所以你选择一桩生意.第三点相对算是好一点的,但是凸显自己的同时,别去贬损那些没有学business的买房产的人,ETS的改卷是很忌讳这些的.
好了,lz语言还过得去,但是思路需要更加西化,而且要言之有物.
希望对你有所帮助,我的作文也只有27分,水平有限,不当之处,见谅.