各位大大,关于托福OG上独立写作范文的问题,我怎么感觉那篇5分范文很垃圾,结构感觉不清晰很多语言感觉很啰嗦的,用词错误的地方就不说了.不知道是不是我的水平不够,还是我习惯了用XDF那

Question

各位大大,关于托福OG上独立写作范文的问题,我怎么感觉那篇5分范文很垃圾,结构感觉不清晰
很多语言感觉很啰嗦的,用词错误的地方就不说了.不知道是不是我的水平不够,还是我习惯了用XDF那套写作套路,还请各位指点,让我认识自己的缺点呀
DISHONESTY KILLS RELIABILITY
There are certain considerations or factors that everyone takes into account in a relationship. People may look for honesty, altruism, understanding, loyalty, being thoughtful etc! Everyone would more or less wish that the person s/he is
dealing with, has some of these virtues above.Putting them in an order according to their importance, however can be very subjective and relative.
When someone asks him/herself the question “What do I
consider to be the most important thing in my relationship?”the answer
depends on a lot of factors such as how his/her earlier relationships were.
After stating that everyone’s opinion
can be different about this, for me honesty, in other words, always telling the
truth is the most important consideration in a relationship. Opposite of this
is inarguably lying and if someone needs to lie, either s/he is hiding
something or is afraid of telling me something.
In any relationship of mine, I would wish that first of all, the
person I’m dealing with is honest. Even though s/he thinks that s/he did
something wrong that I wouldn’t like, s/he’d better tell me the truth and not
lie about it. Later on if I find out about a lie or hear the truth from someone
else, that’d be much more unpleasant. In that case how can I ever believe or
trust that person again? How can I ever believe that this person has enough
confidence in me to forgive him/her and carry on with the relationship from
there. So if I cannot trust a person any more, if the person doesn’t think I
can handle the truth, there’s no point to continuing that relationship.
Although I would like to see altruistic, understanding, thoughtful
and loyal behavior from people, an instance of the opposite of these behaviors
would not upset me as much as dishonesty would. Among all the possible
behaviors, dishonesty is the only one for me that terminates how I feel about a
person’s reliability. Therefore honesty would be my first concern and themost important consideration in a relationship.

Answer 1

在国外时间长了你就会发现,中国人和他们的思维方式的确存在差异.写作时习惯的表述方法,描述事物的角度方式都有所不同.尤其高中之后出国的人可能一辈子都改不过来.随便看个英语原版的教材就能发现,一个事反反复复的说来说去,就是你所说的“啰嗦”.就托福来讲写好新东方的或者任何一种八股文的写法都足以拿高分了.目标应该是总分100+ 口语23+ 其他单项别太低就成