请英语好的人帮忙改下这篇六级作文,顺便给估个分,Self-employmentInrecentyears,self-employmenthasevenbecomemoreandmorepopular.peopleusedtothinknewlygraduatesfromuniversityshouldworkintheinferiorsituation,an

Question

请英语好的人帮忙改下这篇六级作文,顺便给估个分,
Self-employment
In recent years ,self-employment has even become more and more popular .people used to think newly graduates from university should work in the inferior situation ,and then climb the upper ladder .but today the stereotype has been shattered because an increasing number of students start their own business even when they are in campus.
Self-employment has numerous pluses .to begin with ,it cultivate people's abilities by themselves ,and enhance the confidence of dealing with the difficulty .moreover ,people will be more mature than their peers because of the competition of urban jungle .in the second place ,it lessen the employment stress in society and offer employment opportunities to other people who are in urgent need of jobs .
In my opinion ,Although there are many benefits of self-employment .we can not deny that a large many of people end up their own business in accomplishing nothing .
therefore ,we should take self-employment into consideration with more sensibilities .making their right choice according to our personal interest and management ability.

Answer 1

这句改一下 it may help reduce the stress in society and offer employment opportunities to other people who are in urgent need of jobs .
整篇文章的观点不够明确,甚至有句唱反调,说得不好听,请见谅,但拿高分还是有可能的,阅卷人没那么仔细.