改TOEFL作文欢迎大家对我的TOEFL作文多提宝贵意见Hasiteverhappenedtoyou?Haveyoueverwouldtakeaexamnextdayandfoundtherewasalotoftaskhadnotbeendone,foryouspendedmuchtimeinplayinggameswithyourfriendsiny

Question

改TOEFL作文
欢迎大家对我的TOEFL作文多提宝贵意见
Has it ever happened to you?Have you ever would take a exam next day and found there was a lot of task had not been done,for you spended much time in playing games with your friends in your junior or senior school?When you have to cramp for tomorrow`s test and dreaming a luck day would come,did you feel dispair?people who always working hard would not fall into the troubles like this(and a lot of people do).
If you never have experience like this,you would never know how important the hard working is!
Fist of all,opportunities favors ready head,it takes hard work to get ready.A good case in point is the process of famous invention,lightpulb,by Thomas Edison.When edison intempted to find justable materialas,the filament,he failed one time and another.After failing more than one thousand times,edison eventurally found the greatest material.Just as edison said”there is no substitute for hard work”,such dilemma we often meet in daily life.
Second,even people with inherited talent need hard work to achieve succes.Sushi,for instance,the most einment literator in china`s history,was born in a family which had well literure atmosphere.His father,suxun,was one of the eight greatest literator in Tang and Song Danisty.Shi was educated extraordinarily well and his talent was presented in his childhood.However,shi did not give up working hard for a long period of time.In the end,he rose to fame as literator and artist for his poems and poses,surpressed his father in the history.
The last not the least,luck may help a very small percentage of people,but not the majority.One of the greast early writer said:luck,in actually,helps rarely with people`s successes.
Today when we are arueing that whether people successed depend on louk or hard work,we should not forgot what a famous chinese philosophy,confucius,address”every great idea and successed deprived from hard working.

Answer 1

我写不出来,不错.
不过
开头过于长,且1没复述问题 2没对3点式做结构暗示
应把写的最好的2段放在最前面
每段结构可以更清晰
结尾最好in conclution,+statement复述+3点式复述+发想+呼吁（注意paraphrase)
还有一些细小的表达,The last （but)not the least,luck(opportunities,fortunately等要常替换）单词拼错(不障碍阅读）不扣分的.
我也在准备托,我给你4分（新东方老师看了,估计只能拿2分）