45秒的口语陈述,请大家帮忙看看不太地道的地方topic:whoisthepersoninyourfamilywhohasgreatlyinfluencedyourlife?Thefollowingismypesentation:WhenIwasaskedaboutthequestion,thefirstpersoncameintomymindismyfat

Question

45秒的口语陈述,请大家帮忙看看不太地道的地方
topic:who is the person in your family who has greatly influenced yourlife?
The following is my pesentation:
When I was asked about the question,the first person came into my mind is my father.
First because,my father is a good listener and mentor.Whenever I have troubles,I can always come to him or call him to complain.He will listen carefully,then give me his good advice.
Second,my father treats me so kind.Everytime I go back to my home town,he will drive four hours to meet me at the airport.I'm deeply moved.Not only me,every one in my family respects him,because of his good personality.He is my role model,and I want to be the person like him.

Answer 1

口头陈述,问题不大.first because里面,because可以不用吧.always可去掉,因whenever即有always之意.call him to complain是不对的.complain不及物,句子有语法错误.说complain to him就好.come to改为turn to较佳,turn to有“求助”之意,较口语,常用.
treat me so kind（ly）,有点古怪,父亲当然会对儿子很好,说“父亲对我很仁慈”,反倒生分了了哦——所以,i'm deeply moved也大可不必了吧,“我被深深感动了”,是不是透着生疏呢.就说he loves me so much之类的话就好（只是个人意见,后面都有一些不妥啊,哪有儿子评价爸爸“人品好”的呢.你大概想说“脾气好”吧,那就用good-tempered.role model也嫌生疏了一点,并且有点书面化.不妨用good exemple.the person,lqy302说的对哈,改成a person.
fanfanjoyce改的不对,那是个带从句的疑问句,两个who没有问题.而且是给出的topic,应该不是作者自己写的,怎么会有问题呢.
asked about不必改为asked.ask固然可以接双宾语,但也可说ask about something,而且更口语化,在这里要更合适一点.