英语高手们帮我看一篇我写的托福作文,有多狠批多狠,给个分数,一次提问写不下两个,我还有一个提问,同样15分.Thesedays,takingpart-timejobsisgettingmoreandmoreprevalentamongstudents,whichmakestheirlif

Question

英语高手们帮我看一篇我写的托福作文,有多狠批多狠,给个分数,
一次提问写不下两个,我还有一个提问,同样15分.
These days,taking part-time jobs is getting more and more prevalent among students,which makes their life congested and engaged,but also more significant and more meaningful.However,some people think it is a cruel choice for a student to earn money by themselves because they are entailed with much homework.Others think it is a great opportunity for them to perceive the hardness their parents have gone through.Both the view points are reasonable,and now let me talk something about my proposition whether taking part-time jobs while studying is good.
The first point I would like to make is that working can make student grow faster and they can know more moralities which were not encountered before.Earning money by students themselves is a tough work,but it can also foster frugality,which is one of the traditional Chinese moralities.It is our responsibility to fulfill and inherit it!Extravagance and ease are not accepted by our evolving society and people who are not diligent and hard-working enough will sure be eliminated.Working is also a wonderful way to release burden of study,from which making friends is also possible.Generally speaking,taking part-time jobs can mature us.
The second point I would like to make is that working can also nourish our capacity in many ways.With the development of economics and the process of commercialization,more and more elites are needed,who have both knowledge and experience.Working is good chance for us to accumulate experience and improve our thinking levels.As an expert said,” Practice produces real knowledge”,so the importance of experience is obvious.When working with others,we can make good use of what we know,which makes us wield more skills.That can promote our competency in the future,which plays a pivotal role in our life.All in all,we can gain experience while working,which is much more cardinal than studying all day long.
It is certain that working with such much pressure is really cruel for a student.But what else can we do?Working is also studying.Hard as it is,we must face it!Because who does not want to have a better life in the future?With the purpose of not letting yourself cry in the corner some day,take much more endeavor when you can young!

Answer 1

but also more significant and more meaningful (不明白想表达什么)-->
and has significant meaning to their lives
because they are entailed with much homework.(用词不正式,无法为论点增力)-->
because they have to undertake heavy academic burden.（不一定对）
Both the view points are reasonable, . while studying is good.(累赘)-->
Both arguments are reasonable,here is my opinion regarding this proposition.
and they can know more moralities which were not encountered before.（遭遇道德显然是不通的） -->
their sense of worth can be tested and modeled (仅供参考)
The second point I would like to make -->
My second point(不要和前面重复)
more and more elites are needed, who have both knowledge and experience.(需要简化句子结构)-->more and more elites with knowledge and experience are required
thinking levels-->mind boundaries(仅供参考),或者improve our thinking levels改成broaden our horizon and imagination
good chance -->a good chance
pivotal (有的词特别正式,有的词特别不正式)-->vital
such much pressure -->so much pressure
But what else can we do? Working is also studying. Hard as it is, we must face it! (文风骤变,这是议论文,这里有点口语化,而且这个问句问得好像是别无选择一样)
who does not want to have a better life in the future?-->who doesn't want a better future
you can young-->you are young
最后一句收尾不太好,不通
整篇文章的论点论据都是中式思维,尤其是最后“励志”部分,托福文章不是这样写的吧,虽然我没接触过.
把基础打牢先,查出来的单词因为不熟悉,不知道语气轻重,所以要用自己熟悉的词汇,让整篇文章文气贯通.
5分能得个2分.语法和搭配错误是硬伤
一家之言,仅供参考